AITA for Not Letting My Brother Be My Best Man? Roger Weighs In with a Dose of Sass
Greetings, fabulous people! Roger here, your resident expert on navigating the treacherous waters of familial obligations—and a guy who won’t shy away from doling out a bit of sass when needed. Today’s topic is rich, juicy, and brewed fresh from a real Reddit post that tickled my brain cells. Ready? Let’s dive into the drama.
The Reddit Conundrum
Picture this: A lovely chap, let’s call him Bob for the sake of anonymity and because “Bob” just feels delightfully generic, is gearing up for his wedding. Now, if you’ve ever been anywhere near matrimonial planning, you know that weddings are like those high school group projects where no one does their part and you end up pulling your hair out. Bob’s specific hair-pulling dilemma? His parents insist that his brother must be his best man.
Meet the Brother: Tempest in a Tux
Oh, where do we begin with this bundle of joy? Bob’s brother is an angry, tantrum-y, foul-mouthed menace who has made it his mission to be a dark cloud over everyone’s sunshine. Not only does he verbally unleash his inner demons on anyone within earshot, he’s particularly vicious toward Bob’s darling fiancée. And if that wasn’t enough, he’s been a lifelong source of torment for Bob—all because Bob dared to exist under the same roof.
The Family Dynamic: Enabling and Enraging
And let’s not forget the cherry on top—their parents. Instead of nipping this bad behavior in the bud, they’ve stood there, garden shears in hand, pretending the weeds are roses. “He just came that way!” they coo, like they’re talking about a puppy that chews slippers and not a fully grown adult who breathes fiery rage.
Bob’s got a big ol’ problem: He doesn’t want his brother mucking up his wedding. And you know what? He’s totally justified. Tradition be damned! The best man should be someone you’re, oh I don’t know, on speaking terms with?
The Reddit Wisdom: A Chorus of Internet Saviors
Reddit swooped in with a unanimous chorus of
Original story
As the title says, I have no desire to make my brother my best man at my wedding. I know “traditionally” that’s what you’re supposed to do, and my parents are both insistent that I do so and that it would be an insult not to, but here are my reasons for not doing so:
He is horrible to, well everyone, but especially to my fiancé. He has severe anger issues that get set off for no particular reason, where he starts yelling at everyone telling them all the reasons he hates them/they’re stupid/he’s superior, etc.
However, with her it’s especially bad. He hates her, even though she is incredibly nice to him and goes out of her way to do him favors and kind gestures.
Relating to reason number one, he’s treated me terribly his whole life. He makes it no secret that he despises everyone, but because I’m the only one who stands up to his bullying he hates me especially.
The rest of my family is content with “he just came that way!” but I strongly believe he’s only gotten worse as he’s gotten older because my parents bend to his every whim, all he needs to do is start yelling and throw a tantrum, enabling the behavior.
The way I see it, your best man should be someone you have a good relationship with, not someone who hates you just for existing in the same house.
If I had it my way, he wouldn’t come to the wedding at all. He’ll show up to find ways to get as much attention as humanly possible because he’s also a complete narcissist, but he won’t make my wedding any better by being there, for me or my fiancé, he’ll make it worse.
Again, my parents insist I am in the wrong not to have him as my best man. Is this wedding tradition really so important and engrained that I’d be an asshole for not sticking to it?
EDIT: I truly didn’t expect such a widely unanimous answer here. From the outside looking in I guess it’s completely clear who’s in the right here, but as was maybe obvious my whole upbringing has been about appeasing the narcissists in my life (my mother and brother) and the consequences for not doing so were always severe, so such topics are not as obvious to me.
You’re all very kind to take time out if your day to help me think through this logically without the pollution of my mothers guilt tripping or threat of my brothers adult meltdown.
At this point I’m settled on not having him as my best man, or being in my wedding party. I’m also considering not inviting him at all.
My hang up on that is my hope to minimize drama, not just at the wedding but after. If I don’t invite him, my mother will spend the entire wedding telling people nonsense about why I am, indeed, an asshole for not inviting him and that “he’s really sweet now.
Oh he’s not like that anymore, it’s been so long since you’ve seen him he’s grown up. OP is just a crybaby and drama queen who wanted to make a point since they’re so different!
”
Now the solution to that is clear: just don’t invite mom either. My worry there is that I’ll never hear the end of it from extended family and family friends who are going, and it’ll be the topic of gossip and a whole god damn thing.
She of course would never forgive me, and that would be the end of our relationship as well, which is not what I want.
So right now I’m thinking I’ll put him in the back, and let the bar know to limit his drinks because, shocker, alcohol makes him way worse.
My real wedding party will have multiple veterans, recently retired, so they can more than handle throwing his ass out should the need arise. In my mind, while this will also be dramatic and create a scene, everyone will be forced to see his behavior firsthand, instead of my mothers version which will paint me as the asshole and him as the angel.
This will both get him out of the wedding and prevent him not being there from being the focus of the day, instead of my bride, AND no one can say I didn’t give him a chance. Also, if he turns out to actually behave himself and shut up (maybe a 15-20% chance,) then that’s cool too.