Oh honey, let me tell you about a wild, bucking brontosaurus of a story that landed on my lap via the treasure trove that is Reddit. So buckle up, grab your favorite cocktail (or mocktail if you’re feeling virtuous), and let’s dive into the tea, straight from the keyboard of someone likely googling ‘how to add TLDR:’
Here’s the Gist
Imagine being 31, and your friend since elementary school, let’s call her Zee (Rip off Queen Bee, huh?), asks you for the mother of all favors. No, not a kidney. Not babysitting, either. Zee asks our protagonist (let’s call her Protag) to be her ‘pregnancy buddy.’
You read that right. Zee’s idea of ‘fun with friends’ is synchronized ovulating and synchronizing names on hospital forms.
A Little Backstory
Zee’s been strapped to a dude (husband) named Jay since high school. The family is super religious – think, no sex before marriage unless the Good Lord whispers it’s okay. Two kids right out of the gate, adding up to four by the time Zee’s request drops like an unexpected disco beat in a ’60s ballroom.
Now Protag? She’s been through the emotional wringer. Just a whole lot of trauma that even Oprah’s planners would struggle to organize. Guess who graciously dips a hand out to help? Jay, the husband who gives off more red flags than a bullfighting arena.
Your Trust Issues Need My Husband
Here comes Zee, lined up like an emotional counselor sans the degree, suggesting the wildest therapy session imaginable. ‘How about you get intimate with Jay! It’s kind of like a trust fall, but with a mattress involved.’
If you thought this story couldn’t karate-chop the boundaries of bizarre harder – oh honey, strap in. Zee justifies it by saying, ‘Oh, and also, I think Jay cheating on me would sting less if it was with you!’ And Protag? She’s gaslit into participating.
The Horror Show Encore
Years shake rattle-roll along. Protag grabs sanity by its jacket and starts piecing life back together. Then Zee swoops in with phase two of her friendship trial— synchronized pregnancies. Imagine explaining THAT to the family: ‘Mom, Dad, I have a baby with my best friend’s husband.’ You’d have more luck explaining a UFO sighting over Manhattan.
But Zee’s in-laws are staunch believers in, ‘Virginity until marriage,’ likely clasping prayer beads tighter than inhalers. And Jay? Ever so enthusiastic about being Slamdunk Daddy once again. ‘Let’s clone another kid for kicks!’
Ghosting the Gossipy Graveyard
Protag slips out faster than Houdini dipped out of handcuffs. She fades from the parties, skips birthdays and even baby showers. Texts stop tumbling in her message box until she’s just a whisper in this melodramatic saga.
A moment of guilt: Zee’s been struggling and buckles to reach out – cue Protag’s empathetic ping-pong heart. But honey, we don’t just tennis back into trauma for nostalgia.
The Armchair Jury
Reddit tilts between empathy and high-fives for Protag’s disappearing act. Some hail her self-preserving ghosting maneuver. Others bark, ‘Selfish, much?’
And as our dear Protag reflects like Mufasa in Lion King, here’s a righteously sassy thought: ghosting isn’t a crime when gaslighting and guilt-tripping lurks around.
Roger’s Sassy Verdict
Look, babes – if your friendship flickers like a horror film where just speaking casually means having to chill with creepy-ass suggestions, ghosting ain’t a dance in the dark. It’s Olympic-level self-preservation.
Don’t be prodded into sacrificing mental peace because someone draped their quirkiness under Jesus’s name tag. Seeking peace is heroic, not villainous. Zee might be adrift in her choices, boozed on love (or desperation), but Protag’s survival and sanity ain’t worth bartering off at Zee’s personal love-losers carnival.
So, cheers to Protag – may your future be drama-free, and may you be as bold in preserving your peace as I am in refilling my gin.
Original story
EDIT TO ADD TLDR AS PER MULTIPLE REQUESTS:
TLDR: Best friend I grew up with and her husband pressured me to have sex with him, and to have his child so friend and I could do baby stuff together, leading to me ghosting them and their entire family.
Okay, so I’ve been trying to organize this in my head so I can write it out in a way that makes sense and I think I’ve got it. This is also my first post, so I’ll try to do it in the accepted reddit format I’ve seen?
There’s a lot to go through, so please, bear with me, and I apologize in advanced for the length. (I’m super nervous about posting this, can you tell?)
Anyways, I (31f) have a friend (32f) who we’ll call Zee, for the purposes of this post. For background, Zee and I have been extremely close since elementary school, to the point we called each other sisters, and our fathers worked together for years before that.
Needless to say, I was close with her family as well, and spent a lot of time with both her parents and her siblings, as well as her grandparents. I was always over at their houses, I attended events at their church, and we did a majority of things throughout school together.
In high school, Zee met her now husband, who we’ll call Jay. Jay was a couple years ahead of us, and they spent a lot of time together, and soon her entire world revolved around him.
Her priorities completely shifted, she changed, and I wasn’t sure if it was for the better. I felt a bit off around him, uncomfortable, and voiced my concern at one point, but quickly backed off.
I thought perhaps I was just jealous, my antisocial introverted side was popping out, or something equally ridiculous. I wanted Zee to be happy, and I didn’t want to lose the friendship, especially for what I thought was a stupid reason, so I made an effort to get to know and be friendly with Jay, though I still kept a little bit of distance.
Fast forward a bit, Zee gets pregnant with Jay’s baby our junior year of high school, and marries him right out of high school. I should probably mention, Zee’s family is SUPER religious, as that plays a role in all of this.
They settle into married life, and have another kid. Around this time, I go through some…. we’ll just say rather traumatic shit.
My life completely falls apart, and one of the first people I go to, one of the first people I tell, is Zee. I stay with her and her family for a bit (including Jay) until I get back up on my feet.
Months later, after I’d left, Zee comes to me and asks to talk. Of course, I say yes.
(Context, we’re 18 and 19 now) She tells me she’d talked to her husband, and they both wanted to help me learn to trust men again (this throws me off, because I’d told her in confidence, and she was one of only maybe three people total I had told) and she thinks her husband would be the best for that job, as I knew him and trusted him. I didn’t, really, but I couldn’t tell her that.
When I asked Zee what she meant, she said she thought I should have sex with Jay so I could learn to trust men again. Mentally, I’m going “what the literal fuck?
” but I just ask her if she’s serious, and she can’t possibly be suggesting I have an affair with her husband. She doubles down, saying she’s been so worried about me, and I obviously wasn’t doing well.
I really wasn’t, I was about as low and messed up as it gets, struggling to get through each day and scared of my own shadow. We argued about it for a bit, and she let slip that she was also worried about her husband cheating on her (he’d done it before) and she’d rather know who he was sleeping with.
All of this, on top of all the shit already going on in my head, threw me for a major loop. I’m not proud of it, and I’m sure a lot of you will be horrified, but I eventually caved.
I can’t even begin to say why, my therapist had a field day with that one when I finally told her a month ago. I instantly regretted it, it made me feel worse than ever, and it has haunted me ever since.
She has brought up doing it again a few times since, but I am so glad I can honestly say I immediately turned it down every single time.
Again, fast forward another six (maybe seven?) years, we’re in our mid 20’s at this point (I’m so sorry I can’t remember exact ages) and, after a few hospital visits and years of therapy, I’m doing quite a bit better.
Not perfect, but getting into a better place. I hadn’t spent as much time with Zee, Jay, or their family as I used to, but I still went to every birthday, every baby shower, etc.
Zee has 4 kids at this point, and she wanted to try for a fifth. Apparently, she’d seen some kind of trend online about “pregnancy buddies.
” Basically women getting pregnant at the same time with babies, and doing all kinds of shit together, like joint baby showers, birth announcements, classes, shopping, etc. Zee thought this was the best thing ever, and, knowing I had talked in the past about wanting kids and a family of my own someday, came to me saying she wanted me to be her pregnancy buddy.
I really didn’t want to destroy our friendship, so I tried (somewhat) calmly explaining why that wouldn’t be a good idea. I wasn’t in a relationship, I wouldn’t agree to being knocked up by a random stranger, I wasn’t in a place financially or mentally/emotionally to properly support a child, it wouldn’t be fair to the kid to bring it into the world when I wasn’t ready for it.
She insisted everything would work out, and I couldn’t wait for everything to be perfect, or I’d never have any kids. Zee said I could get money from the government for any babies I had, and I wouldn’t have to get pregnant by a stranger since Jay had already offered.
Also, he could be a present, active father in the child’s life, or he and Zee would adopt the baby if I didn’t want it.
I really tried explaining to her everything wrong with this plan. First, how could she think I’d give up a baby?
She more than anyone knew how much I always wanted kids. Second, how the fuck would we explain any of this to either of our families, or all the kids involved?
How would her hyper-religious family react to me having my best friend’s husband’s baby? How would we explain to Jay and Zee’s kids, each of whom I’d held the day they were born, and been around their whole lives as auntie?
And how would I explain to my hypothetical baby when they were old enough? Third, I would never, ever rely on government funds to raise my child.
I couldn’t do it, couldn’t just provide the bare minimum with no control myself.
So… yeah.
She didn’t absorb any of that, was so adamant that it would work, and then, mid conversation (via text) with Zee, Jay jumps in, calling me and starting the whole thing all over again. He’s super enthusiastic about the idea, won’t listen to any of my arguments, even less so than Zee did.
They both pushed me to consider it, told me to get back to them, and over the next couple of months they tried again a few times.
After all of that, I had a hard time facing them. I went to less gatherings, I started communicating less, stopped responding to texts asking about the whole pregnancy buddy thing.
Then any texts at all. Zee did end up having another baby, and I’ve never met him, and I haven’t seen her and her family in several years.
It hurts, I miss her kids, I miss her parents and grandparents. I miss the friendship we had.
Recently, Zee reached out to me again and told me she’s been struggling, that she’s having a hard time. I won’t give details here, as that’s not my place, but I felt like an absolute ass not being there for her.
I did respond, and talked for a very short time, because I still care for her despite everything. She was my best friend for years.
But I haven’t spoken to her since, and I feel so incredibly guilty. I spoke to my therapist about it, but she’s focused on my mental health, not Zee’s, so I feel like it isn’t an unbiased opinion.
Am I the asshole for ghosting Zee and her entire family? Am I wrong for not being there for her while she struggles, when she was there for me?
I’m so stuck in my head with all this that it’s driving me insane, and I really need some perspective on this. I feel like maybe I overreacted, or maybe it isn’t as big a deal as I think, though to me it all seems so unbelievably crazy.
Please help, I would appreciate any honest feedback.
EDIT: (again a bit long, but I don’t know how to do a TLDR for this edit)
Okay wow, I go to sleep and come back to over 400 responses, that’s more than a little trippy. I’ve read through so many of your comments, as much as I could (I want to say most but they keep coming in so I have some catching up to do) So I feel like I should address/clarify/add a couple things.
First, for those who asked for a TLDR: Life long friend asks me to get pregnant at the same time as her with her husband’s baby, I cut contact with her entire family. (sorry, I probably should have added that before)
To address some things in the comments:
For those who say it’s fake, I wish it was, but you’re welcome to believe it is fake, I won’t yuck your yum. It would be so much easier if it was and deciding it’s fake probably makes it less disturbing.
I was under the impression from reading the rules of this subreddit that calling posts fake wasn’t allowed? I could be wrong, and honestly it doesn’t matter to me one way or another.
I kind of expected it.
To respond to a couple posts calling me selfish for not responding to her when she reached out and said she was struggling, like I said in my main post, I did respond, I talked to her for a bit, I just didn’t reach out after that initial conversation. Perhaps I wasn’t clear enough and that’s on me.
I’m not sure if me responding to her in the first place was healthy for me, and after reading a lot of the posts here I have my doubts, but what’s done is done.
For the commenters who were concerned her reaching out was an attempt to suck me back in, I don’t think so but I could be wrong. I didn’t add the content of that conversation (which was via text) because, while I’m putting a lot of shit out here, what she said truly isn’t mine to post about, and I’m not about to air someone else’s private matters that don’t directly involve me.
I am sorry I can’t give more context with that.
Some people have asked about Zee and Jay’s education after high school/careers and if they have any. Jay has a job, but I’ve been out of the loop long enough I don’t know what it is/how much it pays, as he switched careers sometime after I started ghosting.
Zee finished a trade school and works, I am not sure if it’s full time, it wasn’t when I was still in contact. They did receive supplemental income for their kids, which led to her suggesting it for me and my hypothetical polyamory baby.
From my reading, there seem to be two opinions on Zee and Jay’s behavior. One side saying they think Zee knows very well what she’s doing and is a partner to Jay in all this, and the other saying she’s basically been beaten down/conditioned to do what Jay wants.
I tend to lean more towards the second, but I also don’t think it’s completely black and white. I do think if she got away from him, she wouldn’t do things like this, but at this point I don’t know if she ever will get away.
As for people calling me a doormat….yeah, I know I was. I’m not proud of it, and I’m actively working on changing that aspect of my personality.
It’s still a work in progress, but I like to think I’m doing better. There are other toxic relationships in my life not relevant to this story that I have slowly worked on backing away from over the years, relationships where my doormat-ish tendencies were a major factor and which contributed to my doormat-ish-ness.
Like I’ve mentioned, I have been in therapy for years now, a minimum of once a week, and my current therapist is great at calling out the behaviors that tend to lead to trouble.
I think I covered everything, but I will keep an eye on this post still. Some of the responses I think were a kick in the pants I needed to get that last foot out of the door of this relationship.
So many of you brought up things I didn’t really think of before, and I’m more likely than not going to have a nice long talk with my therapist about it. Hopefully it can be healing.
I do still miss Zee’s kids, and her parents and grandparents, losing them will always hurt I think, but so many of you are right that it isn’t worth the continued toxicity to keep those relationships when keeping them means staying around everything else.
Thank you for giving your honest opinions, I asked and I received, way more than I thought I would, honestly.
EDIT 2:
Still reading through everything, and a couple more things came up.
First, I want to clarify I am aware there are successful polyamorous relationships, and I’m cool with that, it’s just not for me. I think the biggest problem isn’t that it’s polyamory, it’s that it’s something I’m not comfortable doing myself and it’s still getting pushed.
A couple of you suggested I tell my parents, I did tell my mom, I will not be telling my dad. There have also been those suggesting I tell her parents…. I wouldn’t even know where to begin, and I don’t really know what it would accomplish.
I don’t know if it would be a good thing or just cause even more trouble. It would also be putting myself right back in the middle of all of it, which I don’t know if I could handle at this point in time.
EDIT 3:
I almost feel like I should make another post answering all these questions but I wouldn’t know how that works so to answer something else commonly brought up…
I don’t know exactly what branch of religion Zee’s family practices, just that it is a branch of Christianity. Further, I don’t think that religion has much if anything to do with what Zee and Jay are pushing for, the reason I added that information is to explain why I don’t think her family knows/would agree.
I did grow up going to many of their church events at their church, and different functions, and her parents aren’t exactly shy about talking about their beliefs, which, cool, no problem, but having been around them pretty much my whole life, I feel I know enough about their beliefs to say they WOULDN’T agree with this. They subscribe to being faithful to your single partner and not straying, things like that.
Also the whole no sex before marriage but I don’t believe Zee paid attention to that part.
EDIT 4: (quick one)
Okay you all gave me a much-needed laugh in the middle of all of this, I did not realize when creating this post and coming up with the “names” that I inadvertently referenced Jay-Z (that’s how he spells it, right?) I was really just coming up with simple, easy to remember names that made sense to me, so I didn’t have to do more mental gymnastics than I already was trying to sort this all out 😂